Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
