Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
