Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
PANTIES FOUND
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