You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
