Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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