Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
