1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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