so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
