I've blown a few things in my day
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
At least life still wants to fuck me.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
