Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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