I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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