normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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