There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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