i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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