Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
