there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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