why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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