yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
