I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
