remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
