I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
