I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
