mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
