Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
