Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
