I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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