just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
