i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
