When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
