I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I can't trust your balls anymore.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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