I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
