I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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