Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
