If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
