Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
