I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
