I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
