my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
