Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
