I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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