so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
