I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
time to smoke my breakfast
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
