Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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