Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
