Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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