my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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