just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
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we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
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Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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