A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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