I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Shame - the story of my life.
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