Just fell off a train. Bad.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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