I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
