i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
