Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
