omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's shark week go big or go home
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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