You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
