Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
