R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i already hear my dad disowning me
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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